Where did the season go? I am amazed that we are in September. It's and exciting time. Paul's team is doing great and each game is a mini drama to watch. I would love to see them go to the playoffs. There is a certain beauty in watching Paul persevere through the season and get a chance to show that he's still got it.
From a wife point of view this is the challenging time of the season. I moved back to our home in "Hotlanta." The boys are in school again. I have free time!! But we are seeing Paul a few days a month. It's been better than I anticipated. I think for me the hardest thing is the responsibility of doing it alone. Even with help, as a single parent the pressure is there. I like most parents want them to turn out well. When I say well, let me clarify. I want them to have quality character, to love God, to chase dreams and somehow stay grounded in the life we have lived. I am willing to forgo perfectly combed hair, and matching clothes or perfect grades. raising boys is not an easy task. I find I am always trying to stay one step ahead. Paul and I after some therapy have been really working hard to learn to respect eachother and support eachother. This is not a small task. I think mostly Paul means well, but being the big presence he is can step on my toes and in helping make things worse. So we are really working well together to change these cycles so we can have a smoother transition in the off season. This means really trusting the parenting and going with what I have worked really hard to establish.
As we move toward retirement in the near/years future we are working on these things now to hopefully prevent problems later on. I need to work on a few things. One is that although everyone who knows me knows I adore Paul and appreciate him so much, but I'm a terrible praiser. I don't usually give him much feedback unless he has blown it in my mind. So as silly as it sounds I am working on saying it TO him rather than about him.
The other piece I am working on is my overly accomodating nature. I'm good at setting boundaries with outside people, but in my own family I can easily put myself last. I am not the most insistant person. Our therapists say I am too ambiguous. I am. I want to do all these amazing things and then out of fear can talk myself out of them. I have heard that everyone has this internal dialogue that says things like,"You are selfish," "Don't go something bad will happen," "You're a fake" or "It will never happen." Please shake your head like you relate or it will be a sign I'm in need of strong medication. I think there is great beauty in having courage and moving forward even though you feel like you're gonna pee in your pants. I realize all this dialogue and ambiquity is a direct route to my resentment. I put myself last and then conveniently blame Paul, the kids or global warming. So I am asking myself the question, 'What do I need?" and seeing how I can make this happen. In Fearless Living training a big thing we had to learn was the phrase," I choose." When you say "I chose" you can't blame someone else because you chose to or you chose not to. It's a powerful thing for me because I move out of excuse and in to action. So I am choosing to work out, take a relationship coaching course, visit Paul a few more times and planning a few days of volunteer work for my family. They all matter AND so do I. What in your life are you compelled to be doing right now? Just remember it's already September.
